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On Health Care Reform and the Paranormal

Reality TV shows feature paranormal college students, plumbers, cops, kids – even pets. Why stop with haunted inns or abandoned prisons? Let’s call in a team to deal with the really scary happenings – the ones in Washington.

Jared, paranormal legislative aide and founder of Paranormal Policy Wonks, sets the stage: “We’re going to investigate a series of strange occurrences – full-body apparitions, extended but unintelligible speech, spots that go from hot to cold – you name it. The building they’ve taken place in is very old, constructed in 1793, so it is likely to have some residual haunting from the past. But things have gotten worse lately, and visitors often leave with severe headaches and feelings of disorientation.”

Amy, paranormal historian: “Could this by any chance be the Capitol building?

Jared: “Right! Just think of it – a haunted national monument. Amy, you, Mark, and Tiffany take the House side. Tony and I will take the Senate. Casey will handle the video and audio.”

[IN THE SENATE CHAMBER]: Tony, paranormal economist: “Is anyone here? We’d like to speak to you about health care. Can you give us a sign of your presence? Knock once if you want grants to states to establish regulated insurance markets. Knock twice if you want to expand Medicaid to childless adults and parents.” [MANY LOUD KNOCKS]
Jared: “Did you &$#*¡$§ hear that? Can you do that again? Sounded pretty even to me.”

[FROM THE HOUSE CHAMBER]: Tiffany, paranormal policy blogger: “We are having lots of personal experiences. Sounds of muttering and groaning. [SCREAM] Something just whispered, ‘Death panel!’ in my ear. I’m going to faint!”

Mark, paranormal cost analyst: “I heard someone say, ‘Live coverage’ – no, it was ‘covered lives.’ This is getting weird. Let’s get out of here.”

LATER: Jared: “After reviewing all the evidence, what do we have?”

Casey, paranormal health IT specialist: “Not what we expected. Those full body apparitions turned out to be real Senators and Representatives, even though you could look straight through them. And the unintelligible speeches? No mystery there. These were real speeches. And the knocks you couldn’t count were Senators wanting to be in favor of health care reform and against it at the same time.”

Jared: “Good job of debunking!”

Tiffany: “Unless…unless…the paranormal activity has become so powerful that we are accepting it as reality… Omigod, I’m feeling faint again. Call an ambulance. No, wait. I don’t have health insurance.”


Published on: February 24, 2009
Published in: Health Care Reform & Policy

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